Turn Up the Volume on Your Senses

Sex in a relationship is optional (unless you are heterosexual and trying to conceive, I suppose). We don’t need it to survive day to day in the same way as we need food and water. And yet it’s something we want—or at least want to want. Sex is dropping into our body and connecting with self-and/or another person. It’s releasing the urges to think, to plan, to assess and instead allowing sensation to take over. Yes, sex is a physical act, however the mind is leading the charge. Think about it as the gatekeeper to your joy.

And so, to really let go and enjoy sex, we must believe it’s a valuable, worthwhile pursuit. I find that men (although not always) can get to this determinization much easier than women. They find spontaneous desire accessible and can more easily compartmentalize their other responsibilities. On the other hand, women tend to feel pulled toward responsibilities (kids, groceries, work, to do lists) and find it harder to give themselves permission to prioritize their own pleasure. They tend to be spinning all the plates and feeling like it’s impossible to walk away for fear of it all crashing down. That isn’t to say that women don’t want sex. They also have urges and passing frissons.

I realize this process is largely unconscious, because often women say they have loved sex in the past, and they feel deserving of passionate encounters now. However, they can’t let go. Dr. Samantha is a good example of this dilemma. She has always worked hard and achieved her goals. She is serious and high performing at the office but wants to also enjoy her time off with her spouse. But it’s hard to switch hats and not be the boss. It’s hard for her to receive sexual attention and feel into her feminine nature. She wants to be playful and sensual, but the to-do list is tugging at her sleeve.

Samantha had to remember way back to when she played and allowed herself to be imperfect and silly. She had to learn to value a different side of herself that was soft, naughty, desirous and flirty. She had to know what she liked so she could tell her partner. She had to feel entitled to stay in the luxurious space of sexual pleasure for more than a passing moment. Dr. Samantha had to negotiate her sexual needs with her own mind and subsequently her body, because the two are inextricably intertwined.

And so, I turn the microphone to you and ask about your relationship to pleasure. What do you feel you deserve? Do you protect your down time to allow desire to quietly (or loudly) knock on the door of your mind? I encourage you to consider how you allow or avert your sexual thoughts. Do you find them intriguing or do you swat them away like a pesky bug?

If you would like to cultivate desire and feel ready to take the plunge into the pleasure realm, subscribe to my podcast (https://anchor.fm/jenn-kennedy) and sign up for my newsletter https://pleasureproject.us. My next Pleasure Tribe https://pleasureproject.us/small-group/starts in March. Contact jenn@pleasureproject.us for a screening call to see if you are a good fit.