It’s Hard Feel Pleasure With All That Pressure

So, you want to have sex. However, the audience (of your mind) has become unruly. They are critical and unforgiving. They notice anything and everything you are doing wrong. Their insults or doubt might include comments about how you look, how you smell or taste, how fast or slow you are moving, where and how you are touching your partner, and the list goes on. The peanut gallery are tough to please and you entertaining their criticism or trying to explain yourself only leads to more distraction… and likely an even less connected sexual experience.

We call this phenomena spectatoring. It’s the idea of focusing on oneself from a third person perspective. We all do it to some degree, however the voices can get very loud and very discouraging during sexual play. You might notice yourself feeling anxious, awkward, impatient, self-critical and disconnected from your partner or your own pleasure.

Body image, self-esteem and self-acceptance affects how women approach their sex lives. Through neuroimaging studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers found that women with Hyposexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) tended to show lower levels of activity in brain areas that are involved in body image, self-other closeness, and self-representation. Conversely these same women had hyperactivation (more activity) in the area of the brain involved in self-focus, egocentrism and spectatoring. This links back to media influences that shape inner dialog and may interrupt a woman’s ability to attach and nurture sustained intimacy.

Studies indicate that women who tend toward self-surveillance, do so in all areas of their lives, including sexual situations. These women are self-conscious about how they look and what their partner thinks about them during sex, which also leads to spectatoring. This proves highly distracting during intimate moments.

Citing spectatoring as the primary source of sexual dysfunction, Psychoanalyst Suzanne Lasenza endorses the use of Sensate Focus as a mindfulness meditation for the couple. During this practice, clients caress one another in contained, non-sexual, time limited sessions. They are instructed to attend to the physical sensation instead of their thoughts. Introduced by Masters & Johnson (1970), sensate focus is suggested as a way to enhance intimacy and communication. It might seem a bit awkward the first time, as neither partner is talking or giving feedback, but relaxing into it and exploring one another without guidance can be freeing. This also releases the giving partner from going for the orgasm out of the gates. Rather, the goal is relaxation, exploration of the erogenous zones and both participants managing their own anxiety, which may arise.

And so, might you allow yourself to be imperfect as a lover? To start where you are and do what moves you? To quiet the incessant critic and decide that you are more interested in tuning into your partner, which means tuning out your not-so-helpful side. I encourage you to try it.

Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.