Releasing Inertia

Remember when you first met? It was hot and heavy. You couldn’t stop having sex. You replayed all the little moments when you were apart. You felt tingly when you were about to see each other again. Sex felt organic and so damn easy. That magical beginning period is called limerence and it’s likely built into evolution to keep the species going (if you know what I mean). That dreamy, lusty window of connection typically lasts a good six to 18 months.

And then life began to creep back in. You had to get back to focused (as opposed to distracted and daydreaming about sexy time) work and other responsibilities. You were still happy to see one another, but the urgency had quieted. You began to want some alone time or time with friends instead of exclusively with your beloved. You began to rebalance your priorities and realize where you had neglected yourself.

Flash forward to long term relationships. The day to day includes a lot of mundane details: housekeeping, bills, childcare logistics, car repair, hair appointments, pet vaccinations, people vaccinations and the list drones on. The nature of the coupleship has changed. You communicate and coordinate myriad life tasks and that progressively dampens that spark of desire. You don’t see them as your hot, sexy, mysterious other, but rather, they are your co-pilot in navigating all the things that keep your busy life afloat.

And so comes the sexual inertia. It’s the phase of a relationship when sex feels like more work that it’s worth. It’s when you want to want it, but you simply do not. Or you could want it if the other person did all the work. Or you maybe, might consider it if you finish all your tasks and felt rested and the stars aligned. Sigh.

It might be time to disrupt the cycle of ambivalence. That disruption looks different for everyone. Some ideas include buying (and wearing) new lingerie, reading erotica, getting more exercise, planning a date night (with self or with partner), buying a new vibrator, getting your make up done, getting a massage or watching a burlesque show. In my new podcast episode (Releasing Inertia) I guide you through cultivating your own “turn ons.”

I find that for couples in longer term relationships, reviving a flagging sex life requires sustained nurturance of what brings you pleasure. But first you need to identify what that even includes. Take a listen to my podcast and see if you can identify and then start to employ some of those elements in your own life. I’d love to hear what works for you!

For a more detailed discussion of these and other topics related to sexual pleasure, join my upcoming Pleasure Circle—a 6 week, online, small group for women who want a better sex life. We will unpack the obstacles that get in the way of your best sex life and empower you to have the sex you want. Pleasure Circle starts May 4 and runs 6 consecutive Thursdays. Message me for brief screening call to see if it’s a good fit and I’ll share a limited time discount code.

For more exciting content related to having a joyful sex life, subscribe to my podcast and sign up for my newsletter. Email jenn@pleasureproject.us to ask questions you would like answered in future podcasts or to book a screening call to see if you are a good fit for Pleasure Circle.