Does “Sleep Divorce” Mean the End?

Anyone over 40 years old knows that sleeping becomes a closely guarded, prized experience. It’s how we regenerate and keep our minds clear and focused. It’s also hard to come by for many people, and having someone next to you can introduce a lot of variables.

Sleep divorce refers to the idea of sleeping apart even though you’re still very much married. It comes up a lot with couples who have been in longer term relationships and feel some trepidation disrupting their normal co-sleeping configuration. Typically it’s done as a reaction to someone snoring, having restless legs or a significantly different sleep schedule. The point is that one or both partners and are having difficulty sleeping and choosing to sleep alone in service of them getting better rest.

The Good

As a couples therapist, I don’t see it as the end. Sometimes it’s even a fabulous beginning. Getting better sleep often means you are likely to be more resourced, in a better mood, and more able to show up for the day-to-day relational challenges. Sleeping separately allows you to go to bed at the time you want, affords you both some personal wind down time at your own pace, and you are likely to encounter fewer disturbances. You can also have time to test out your favorite toys!

The Not So Bad

What do you lose by sleeping apart? Typically couples considering a sleep divorce report that they will miss the cuddling. They anticipate that less proximity will diminish their sex life. In reality, the exhaustion and resentment of not sleeping was likely doing much more harm. I come from the perspective that just because you’re not sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean you can’t have closeness. You have to plan better and be more intentional about being next to one another, but this is possible before bed or first thing in the morning. As for erotic play, this can certainly happen in a late night or early morning rendezvous. You can break the seal of the bedroom door for initiate play. You just return to your own bed when it’s time to really get some sleep.

You can also give it a try and see how it changes your dynamic. Do you miss one another? Do you find you have more quality over quantity of time together? Do you get better quality of sleep alone or together and what is that worth to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I was quoted in an article on Sleep Divorce below.

We cover topics like this on the Pleasure Project Podcast and in the Pleasure Circle small group. Tune in and feel free to ask questions if you have ideas or want to know more.

Ready to unpack your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.