The Psychology of Faking It

Org*sms are not always easy to achieve—especially for women. They (mostly) require some or all of the following: focus, communication, patience, vulnerability. They also require that women put their own pleasure as a priority in the dynamic. This isn’t as easy as saying “yes.” Rather, it’s allowing the mind to quiet from distractions and dropping into the body (a body in which many women have mixed feelings about). It also requires women to know their own arousal well enough to guide a partner to assist in their pleasure.

It’s complicated for many women to just “get off.” They tell me–time and time again–that they fear they are taking too long and that their partner is getting impatient or feeling inadequate. This makes them self-conscious and less able to see sex as a glorious journey and not just a climaxing destination.

Introduce the faking of the Big O. Sometimes all that pressure feels like too much work. Instead of asking for what we want (or don’t want), we, as women, decide to take the escape hatch and pretend to build and plateau into bliss—leaving partners feeling relieved and happy. Unless they are really reading the signs. Then, it’s actually a form of gaslighting. What you think is happening is actually NOT. Many partners likely don’t question it. And this creates a set up for it to happen repeatedly. If a partner thinks they have brought their female lover to org*sm once, then it doesn’t make sense when it doesn’t happen again. In this dynamic, women paint themselves into an awkward corner of dissatisfaction.

Don’t they know?

How do men think *it* happened when it didn’t? The moans are there, however the actual physiological indications are likely absent. These signs include rapid breathing, flushing on the chest and back, increased heartrate and blood flow to the genit*ls, lubrication, and muscle tension in the hands, feet and face. Her breasts will swell and the sensitivity in her genit*ls will heighten (and touch might be less tolerable). However, every woman is different and may experience a quieter version of the above. Side note: knowing these characteristics make porn less compelling to watch because you will notice that none of them are happening.

Key to the Kingdom

Learning your partner’s body and preferences is a critical piece to the puzzle. Signaling that you are patient (women typically need at least 15 minutes of foreplay), attuned to the subtle signals she’s putting out about her position or timing and interested in learning what she likes–since one move doesn’t fit all partners. Communication—both verbal and nonverbal is key to actually taking her to paradise.

One last nod to vulnerability—where the gold is actually buried. Many women are guarded and this is magnified in their sex life. You can’t convince yourself (or your partner) to be vulnerable. It has to be a felt sense of safety paired with a leap of faith toward allowing another to be close and known. It happens through small moments that build trust—both in and out of the bedroom.

If you have faked your O in the past, are you willing to stop and facilitate something different? Can you tolerate the awkwardness of asking for what you want (including patience)? I’d love to hear your feedback on this one!

Here are two past podcasts that might also be helpful in this conversation. 

• What’s your Relationship to Pleasure?
• Turn On’s & Turn Off’s

We cover topics like this on the Pleasure Project Podcast and in the Pleasure Circle small group. Tune in and feel free to ask questions if you have ideas or want to know more.

Ready to unpack your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.