P*rn: In Good Times or in Bad

Hot Potato Porn

Porn is a loaded topic. It sits squarely between the two hats I wear professionally: sex therapist and sex addiction therapist. For some, porn is lubricant for letting go. Albeit tragically unrealistic, it often provides a welcome spark that kicks off hot sex. Strangely, while we critique the weak storylines and cheap sets, we are drawn to the raw expression of lust and the consummation we know is around the corner. It’s an exercise of suspended disbelief where we give attention and volition to characters who we do not know or possibly even like much.

We know (at least I hope we do) that porn is not real—not even close. The women wear their heels during sex (for God’s sake) and beg for more. They ask nothing of their partners but unrelenting penetration. The men can “go” over and over again. They are nearly always the protagonist who triumphs—with seemingly insignificant effort. They never get ED, nor does their partner roll over with a headache. With all the fabricated, make-it-look-easy, tacky come-on lines, most porn is downright pedestrian. And yet, there is something intriguing about watching someone claim to fervently want it.

In the last 20 years, porn has kept pace with the television trend of reality TV and invited amateurs, of all persuasions, to take a crack at filming their (not so) intimate moments. This turn has created content in a zillion sub-genres to tickle nearly any fancy. It’s on demand, inexpensive (free even) and available in the (uh hum) palm of your hand.

During stressful times, thriving times—even sad times—porn carried on. Even during market downturns, porn, and the sex industry as a whole, has consistently thrived. It is go-to entertainment for many Americans. Men are the mass consumer, but women sometimes also watch—alone or with their partners for a little zing. For the most part, however, the porn industry has not been able to crack the code of what women want.

In my experience as a sex therapist, I see women responding more to story and to connection. They like context and a narrative that feels titillating instead of rushing to genital contact. Women often ask their partners to be more sensual, playful, teasing. Their turn on takes a moment and needs some attention and intension.

And this is where I switch hats…

Porn sometimes becomes a coping strategy that distracts, detracts, and leaves viewers feeling irritable, numb and/or unworthy by comparison. I see (mostly men) arriving to sex therapy after compulsive use. They don’t enjoy porn, but they also cannot stop. They feel pulled to watch more even though they are often left feeling disconnected (from self and others) and a sense of emptiness.

Long term, compulsive use is also a leading cause of erectile dysfunction in younger men. They habituate their mind to fast, high intensity stimulation which doesn’t parallel the variables and interpersonal negotiation needed with partnered sex. Also, rarely can a partner compete with the familiarity and deftness of his own hand, so those men who are m*sturbating excessively to p*rn also have increasing difficulty with arousal from partnered play. They build tolerance and the mind tends to want increasingly more deviant content to achieve the same arousal response.

I don’t have a hard or fast rule about porn use. I see that it can be a fun enhancement when used in moderation, however I’ve also repeatedly seen it tank a good sex life. Like many vices, it can depend on the individual and their relationship to the use.

Some good questions to ask yourself if you are using porn or considering it:

• When do I use it?
• Why do I use it?
• How do I feel after (not only immediately, but also a few hours or next day?
• Does it stir negative or positive feelings about myself and/or others?

I welcome feedback on this or other topics!!

Ready to unpack your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.