Empty Nesting

Many of my clients are coming out of the fog of parenthood. Their kids have made it through the teenage years and are heading off to college or the working world. They don’t need parenting in the same way, except for an occasional Venmo transfer or airport run.

These couples have newfound time, space and privacy. It’s a strange shift from the daily demands that most busy parents experience during the school age years. They start to find time for yoga or seeing friends and longer weekend getaways. They reawaken to the person they were before they took on the identity of parent or even spouse.

Often the couple haven’t had much capacity for one another…for years. Long gone are the flirty nights of long planning conversations and anticipated intimacy. But empty nesters can wake from the long dream to discover each other again. They have both changed in the past two decades. Not just their bodies have shifted, but also their inner dialog, likes and dislikes, narratives about future. There is a reconciling that happens in this time.

If couples accept this new reality and show up with genuine interest, they have a shot at a 2.0 version of their marriage. As Dr. Sara Nasserdadeh writes in Love by Design, we are initially attracted to someone for what they represent or a role they play in our lives. We expect this key point of attraction to remain constant, however we must recognize partners as dynamic beings that will change (as do we). The problem isn’t that our partners change, but rather that we thought they would not.

For empty nesters, it’s a rediscovery of self-first, then of one another. That requires reflection as well as mutual goal setting toward a future, which (hopefully) includes an erotic life. That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily have the 25 year old s*x of the early days (although it could), but it does mean that each of you is more willing to come forward with what you do like—how you do want to touch and be touched. You benefit from the longstanding trust and shared history together. And this can manifest into a new chapter of connection and pleasure.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What do I want our erotic life to look like going forward
• What worked for me/us in the past and what did not?
• What do I wish you knew about my inner world related to s*x?