Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships

One of the most frequent reasons people come to see me as a sex therapist is to talk about the lack of desire they feel in their long-term relationship. These couples have been together 10, 20 even 40+ years and have significant shared history. They have seen each other through big life choices–such as job and career changes, pregnancies, moves, loss of family and shifts in their own personal identities. In a sense, they have grown up or grown old together.

Typically, these couples have a certain amount of acceptance around imperfections, quirks, and the way each other’s bodies have changed. They don’t have the same expectations as when they were in the flush of new love, where both partners craved charm, hot bodies, and the subsequent lust seen in romance novels and romcoms.

Case Study: Todd & Emily

Todd and Emily have been together for 22 years. They’ve raised several successful children and have enough money in the bank to be comfortable through retirement. He was a successful technology executive, and she is an artist. They found the balance of stability and creativity intriguing, and complementary when they met. They were both ambitious, in their own ways, and that fueled stimulating conversation.

Having children changed everything for them. They’ve juggled schedules and negotiated priorities for nearly two decades. Emily feels exhausted most days and wants to retreat into her studio to create new work. Todd is phasing out of the company he founded and looking for his next venture. He feels unanchored and unsure of how to reconnect with her. He finds that sex makes him feel closer to her. On the other hand, Emily feels like sex is an obligation. She craves connection with someone who wants to discuss esoteric ideas and sit in her studio while she paints. Emily says she needs closeness and consistency to fuel her desire.

Effectively, Emily and Todd have a slow motions tug of war…for years. They both tend to retreat into their silos and feel disinclined to initiate—conversation, play, sensuality. They miss the beginnings where time together was plentiful, easy and laced with organic desire and sexual play. They fear the empty nest that is pending and how they will re-meet one another without the distractions of family and career pressures.

Turning Towards, Away or Against

Our work together is about what the Gottmans call “Turning Towards.” They posit that couples experiencing conflict (or marital distress) have three options: turning toward, turning away, or turning against. Turning toward means that when one bids for interaction (verbally, physically, sexually), the other acknowledges it and responds. These opportunities happen constantly in long term relationships. It’s the morning hello, the choice to touch as you pass, the willingness to give appreciation and take responsibility. It requires both Todd and Emily to be more vulnerable and to regulate their emotions well enough to stay present during disappointment or jagged moments of conflict.

Sexually speaking, turning toward looks like enthusiastic interest in sexual initiation. It might look like adventurous intimate play or welcoming a partner’s touch. Turning away, often feels like a quiet no. That might mean “I have a headache,” or just pretending a partner didn’t read the signals, as evidenced by non-response. Turning away, in a sexual context, tends to look like disgust or harsh refusal. This leaves the initiator, feeling shamed, blocked and even humiliated. It’s the most damaging response, and one that tends to occur when there’s unresolved, conflict, resentment, and an utter lack of connection or empathy between the couple.

Sexual desire in long term relationships are a hopeful “David” up against a myriad of “Goliath” stressors: competing responsibilities, pent up resentments, one or both partners having issues with body image and functioning, menopause, exhaustion, lack of novelty, financial or career demands and mental health issues (anxiety, depression, grief are the most common). Navigating through this midfield of challenges leaves many couples having occasional, obligatory sex or they are resigned to live in a marriage or relationship that doesn’t include sexuality.

Couples Reengagement

Sex therapy with these couples is complicated and layered work. First, we have to unpack their resentments and the disappointments that have amassed over the years. They must acknowledge and grieve what has transpired before we can effectively address what we can do moving forward. For Todd and Emily, it’s about seeing how they each have sacrificed and compromised— logistically, emotionally and sexually over the years.

Next we consider how they might start to reconnect. This takes time and consistency. I give various exercises designed to help them find their feelings,  express their individual needs and clean up their mistakes as they make them along the way so they don’t accumulate new resentments. This process requires a willingness to dig deep within and see what has likely gone unsaid–even to themselves. They also have to see their partner again with clear eyes. This means having empathy and curiosity about what makes their partner light up or shut down. Both partners then keep this in their working knowledge as they interact and reengage.

Additional exercises are designed to help them find each other again physically. Sensate Focus is particularly helpful with couples who haven’t had sex in quite some time. It’s a way back with low pressure. It helps move the focus away from penetrative sex and toward pleasure and connection. It’s helpful for both partners to rediscover the subtle sensual spaces within their own body and the curves of their partner. Given the power of thoughts to affect mood and outlook, the brain is the biggest sex organ. Tending to the couple’s automatic thoughts and feelings clears the path for them to find what feels good in their body.

Todd and Emily have arrived collectively in couples therapy, which signals the foundational willingness to start the process. They must also be willing to say and hear the hard things from one another to ultimately start to heal the chasm that has formed between them over the years. They have to actively turn toward and initiate conversation, interaction, and touch. They also have to take responsibly for their needs and put effort toward meeting their partner’s needs.

As a therapist, I see long term couples often initiate a 2.0 version of their commitment in therapy. They have evolved over their time together and their partnership needs new things. Their sex life often mirrors these changes. This can look like them sharing in the power (how sex happens) and responsibility (who initiates) as well as sustained intimacy. All this requires vulnerable, open hearted communication. I’m here to say it’s possible and delightful to turn toward and rediscover that person you chose so long ago.

Do you have interest in unpacking your own relationship? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast with volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.