What’s Different About Lesbian Sex?

June is Pride Month 🌈

I’m offering a Pleasure Circle for lesbian and bisexual women in July. I’m also dedicating this newsletter to the topic of my PhD dissertation: Sex Therapy with Lesbians. My goal was to contribute insight about how same-sex attracted women are unique in their needs for sex therapy and I thought you might be a little curious.

How Do Women Have Sex Together?

Historically, same sex attracted women (queer, bisexual, lesbian) have been both fetishized and marginalized. Their sex is intriguing and yet often thought of as “not real sex.” Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s absolutely real. Sex is NOT always about a penis!! It can be but it certainly doesn’t have to be. Per a recent study, lesbians included the following in their definition of sex beyond penetration: oral sex, genital to genital touching, hand to genital touching, using sex toys, joint masturbation and anal stimulation/penetration, with “the vast majority (85%) of participants considering any form of genital touching from one partner to the other to constitute having sex” (Scott et al., 2017). This definition of sex helps everyone. It takes the pressure off penetration and off of orgasm being the only goal.

Lesbians comprise about 1.5% of the population or approximately 2.5 million nationwide. Many women, primarily under 30 years old, who have same sex attraction are now identifying with other labels: bisexual, queer, bi-romantic, questioning, polysexual, pansexual, graysexual, demisexual (Cohen and Byers, 2014). Within the lesbian identity, there are also nuances of how same-sex attracted women label themselves (lesbian, dyke, gay, queer, butch and femme, etc.), which demonstrates the variability of this population, as well as the challenges for researchers trying to target them as a defined group (Tate and Pearson, 2016).

I wanted to debunk some of the most repeated myths related to lesbians. Check yourself as you read through these and see what surprises you!

Common Lesbian Sexual Myths (Iasenza, 2002)

• Lesbian sex is always satisfying and orgasmic (who better to please a woman than another woman?)
• Lesbian sex occurs constantly
• Lesbian sex occurs infrequently (lesbians, like all women, are not socialized to enjoy or want sex)
• Lesbian sex includes mostly hugging and kissing
• Lesbians only have sex with partners they love
• Lesbians value emotional closeness over sex
• When lesbians “do it” one plays the man (the dominant role) while the other plays the woman (the submissive role)
• Lesbians are monogamous

Of course one size doesn’t fit all and same sex attracted women vary greatly in preferences, relationship structures and sexual dynamics. Lesbians tend to approach sexuality as a “whole-body experience (kissing, hugging, touching, holding) before including breast and genital contact” (Iasenza, 2002). Lesbian sexuality can include both self-stimulation as well as partner play in the way of kissing, breast play, cunnilingus, tribadism, role playing, kink and non-monogamous partnering (Iasenza, 2008). “Lesbians are most likely to include fondling, cuddling and non-orgasmic activities as part of sex” (Frye, 1990 as cited by de Jong and Reis, 2015). These behaviors may or may not result in an orgasmic climax. Rather, the journey is the destination for some lesbian sexual play in that they may be satisfied by any of the aforementioned activities with resulting arousal as sufficient (Iasenza, 2008).

Researchers attribute the high satisfaction lesbian’s report with their sex life to dynamics of gender empathy, women’s socialization to self-disclose and communicate, as well as their approach to sexual play, which results in higher frequency of orgasms (Coleman, et al, 1983). Studies have found lesbian women to be more sexually aroused, sexually assertive, and sexually satisfied in relationships (Coleman, et al, 1983). Lesbians, more than heterosexual couples, valued reciprocity in giving and receiving pleasure (Blumstein and Schwartz, 1983).

Sex Therapy with Same Sex Attracted Women

The graphic above shows some of the considerations and influences I use when working with women in same sex relationships. There are parallels with straight couples (communication issues, religious messages, anxiety related to sex), but also nuances (coming out, power dynamics, social stigmas).

There are psychological theories that work for all populations, but have to be tweaked to work with two women (or men) in partnership. I consider the client’s family of origin, trauma history, internal messages about body, self esteem and confidence. I also normalize all the fear and confusion that swirls around sex in our society.

I’m gearing up to do my next two Pleasure Circles: a 6-week group focused on giving women a better sex life. We talk about where participants have been sexually and where they want to go (with self and/or with a partner. We look at attachment strategies, cultural messages, personal turn ons (and offs) and help participants map out a sex life they want. I’m offering a group for lesbian and bisexual women in July and for all women in August. Each group runs 6 weeks for 90 minutes. Reach out to learn more and to save your spot!

Podcast Guest: Ashe Brown, Herbalist, Entrepreneur, Badass

In the latest Pleasure Project Podcast, Dr. Jenn interviews Ashe Brown, a spiritual herbalist, serial entrepreneur, visionary, sacred space holder, and curator of healing experiences.

Ashe and her wife own and operate Pura Luna Apothecary – an inclusive herbal shop centered around providing accessible healing tools and creating community. They also lead retreats focused on empowerment and personal grounding.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Ashe’s journey toward finding her soul calling and becoming a healer
• Building an intentional community where all people feel included
• The role of herbalism in sexuality
• Elemental healing & plant medicine
• Ashe’s upcoming retreats
• What does it feel like to be in desire all of the time?
• Pura Luna Apothecary’s Pleasure Medicine – toys that are for women by women

Tune in here!

Ready to unpack your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.

Featured Photo by Yan Krukau