Female Masturbation

When I Think About You, I Touch Myself (diVINYLS)

That song seemed so naughty in 1990. Because I was 13 and because no woman had ever admitted to touching herself, I couldn’t believe it was singing through my radio. With no evidence that anyone else did it or knew about it, I actually thought I had invented it. It was a delightful discovery at age 5 that has served me, ahem—well–over the years.

A Handsy Roadmap

Flash forward to the here and now. Female clients, in my sex therapy practice, are still sheepish when I ask them about masturbation. They get squirmy and seem to feel guilt at the question. I ask because it helps diagnostically determine the direction of their treatment. If women are having issues with orgasm in partnered play, we need to get a sense of baseline functioning. Knowing if they have pleasurable solo sex is tremendously helpful to know in our work together because if they can reach orgasm by themselves, then we know that the issues they are having with their partner are likely less biological and more often psychological or interpersonal. They may need more of a warmup and/or better interplay to feel safe and relaxed enough to allow the release.  Sometimes they arrive saying they don’t like sex, but it’s actually that they don’t like the sex they are having.

But back to the joy of self-touch. I see it as a roadmap for how a woman experiences pleasure. If she has explored her own body, she knows what she likes in terms of pressure, temperature, speed, location of touch, etc. She likely has preferences that can be generalized to partner interactions. And because everyone is different, this information is a GOLDEN for her partner to know how to please her specific body (and mind).

Should I Feel Threatened (or Excited)?

From clients, I sometimes hear that (typically male) partners feel threatened by her using self-touch. Perhaps they feel left out or without purpose. Perhaps they fear being replaced? But I would wager that most men have masturbated since puberty and still want partnered sex. You don’t have to choose. Rather, I would say solo and partnered sex each have a place in your bedroom and offer unique benefits. Solo sexual play gives a woman time to explore. She won’t’ feel rushed and doesn’t have to worry about paying attention to her partner’s needs. She also doesn’t get sucked into spectatoring—a desire killer. Rather, she can decide what she thinks about and do what honestly feels good.

Masturbation can also be incredibly helpful during partnered sex. In 80 percent of women, penetrative sex does NOT lead to orgasm. But adding in clitoral stimulation dramatically increases the odds. This can look like her touching herself with her fingers or a vibrator while her partner penetrates her. Everyone wins!! In the early 1900s, Sigmund Freud claimed that clitoral orgasms were sign of sexual and/or psychological immaturity. I could not disagree more. They are a sign of YOU knowing what pleases YOU. Unfortunately, this rhetoric has trickled down to the detriment of women’s good time.

A Toybox of Your Own

Recently, I was quoted in a fleur du mal article, A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys. As noted, lube will be your best friend (with all kinds of sex) because it helps things slip and slide in the best way. Also worth noting is that toys can be used internally or externally during solo sex. I encourage you to explore and see what feels best, which may also change day to day.

Masturbation with a toy assist can happen any number of places, any number of ways. The shower is safe and naked place to start with a waterproof vibrator. You can also play with a pocket sized, remote controlled (held by you or your chosen collaborator) vibrator in your panties out in a social situation. Vibrators come in all shapes and colors: palm sized for general stimulation of the mons pubis (mound directly anterior to the pubic bones) as well as tiny, curved, handheld sucking devices that get right to business on your clitoris. There are also a variety of internal options: glass, metal or soft rubber wands that may or may not vibrate (at various speeds). There are also toys for the tush, which holds a surprising amount of nerve endings.

Solo sex is not a one size fits all. Rather, I invite you to explore your body and see what turns you on (and off). And I will reiterate that orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal in this play. Rather, pleasure, sensation, mind-body connection are the goals. If you would like to get more support in your sexual journey, consider joining a future Pleasure Circle and tune into Dr. Jenn’s podcast on this topic.

Do you have interest in unpacking your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.