Scheduled Sex

How do you prioritize what matters in your life? People have very different strategies and expectations for setting and navigating priorities. My fellow Type A’s put most things on a list and take extreme joy and checking it off, whereas the more laid-back set tend to be doing what feels right in the moment. Does s*x belong on the “to do” list? In couples therapy, scheduling s*x comes up as a highly debated topic.  I find it can be quite polarizing for these two camps of people.

First Camp: Calendar It

Typically, those who, like to schedule their lives find it difficult to be spontaneous around intimacy. They tend to already have a working blueprint of how the days going to go and an erotic interruption may feel unsettling, agitating, and therefore unwelcome. They find it harder to shift into a place of vulnerability and receptivity. I find that this type of partner does well with scheduling because they’ve planned it into their back brain and they orient their day knowing it’s “on the agenda.” That might mean getting more sleep, showering to feel clean, making plans for kids to be out of the house or wrapping up projects by a certain time.

If you have two partners in this camp, scheduling is going to be turnkey. You’re going to block out the time that works for both of you and protect it with everything you’ve got. Couples like this really celebrate and cherish this time. They treat it like an important meeting and ensure that it happens consistently and regularly. They see it as a highlight of their week and something they do collectively and joyfully – even if one person is sometimes more in the mood.

Podcast Recommendation: Love By Design with guest, Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh

Second Camp: Let’s See How We Feel

The second set prefers to feel into the moment and are more somatic in their experiencing of the world. They more easily associate, physical pleasure or connection with erotic stimulation. They can drop what they’re doing and turn toward a good time of any stripe. They aren’t as consumed with productivity, but rather they feel more inclined to go with the flow and respond in the moment to where their gut is leading them. They tend to feel confusion about why their partner can’t get on board and be “in the moment.” They may also view scheduled sex as two formulaic, rote, and downright unsexy.

Two partners of this mindset are less worried about outside responsibilities, getting messy during s*x, locked doors or bad hair days. They delight in the unexpected and roll with a spontaneous erotic initiation (as giver or receiver). They are less attached to outcome and enjoy following impulse. They might be late to their next appointment, but it all works out somehow.

Podcast Recommendation: When To See A S*x Therapist

Mixed Approach Ideas

Neither approach is right or wrong, but to have a happy household, couples need to recognize their approach and negotiate when they are a mixed-type pairing. I find that the Type A’s tend to lead the charge on scheduling, while the go-with-the-flow partner feels pressured and thus resistant.

I have suggested couples give each way a try. Typically, they have left things to chance (with them both acknowledging interest and intention) before they implement the scheduled s*x approach. This can look differently depending on the couple’s preference. For example, you can get as specific as Sundays from 4-6 pm is blocked for intimacy or it can be planned that Tuesdays include date night and babysitter, so the parents have guaranteed time together.

Consider what works best in your configuration and for your goals as a couple. If your priority is s*x, then carve out specific time and each of you prepare yourself as needed to make it happen. If the goal is more general–like closeness, then block a recurring time with alternating responsibility to plan something that appeals to you both and may include or lead to intimacy.

We know that naming goals (or intentions), which are specific and measurable, dramatically increases the likelihood we will achieve them. So, give it a try and let me know how it goes.

If you’d like support around your relationship, reach out to Riviera Therapy.

Ready to unpack your own relationship to sex? Contact Dr. Jenn for therapy. Or you might also consider joining the next Pleasure Circle. You can find out more at my website: Pleasure Project or tune into the Pleasure Project podcast for volumes of free, rich content about women’s pleasure journey.

Are you ready to join the conversation? Do you have topics you’d like to hear more about? Send Dr. Jenn Kennedy an email with questions and she may address it in a future newsletter or the Pleasure Project Podcast.